At school I
remember liking the idea of a girlfriend even more than Hitler wanted to get
his evil hands on the Holy Grail. But women are for the most part, more trouble
than they are worth! Here are just 8 reasons why dating is the worst decision
you will ever make….
1.) Crumb Hand: Date night on a cold
winter’s evening will often conclude with a cuddle while you both wait for a
taxi or the last train home. This potentially romantic moment when a girl moves
in close to keep warm will inevitably result in the sneaking of her hands into
your jacket pockets. Lady, you will find no secrets in there! Maybe a half-eaten Ginster’s
Steak slice, an Emergency Pork Pie or the broken remains of a Cereal bar I ate
on the way to work. You think I’m disgusting? You’re the one with Crumb Hand!
2.) Music Theft: As far as I know
stealing things is still illegal in most, if not ALL countries. Enter a
relationship and the concept of owning something yourself goes straight out the window.
Soon you will notice things going missing - Jumpers, DVDs, house keys, fruit.
The most depraved of these relationship crimes is that moment, months after you
have broken up with someone, when you realise the CD you really want to listen
to has completely vanished. Even worse when you find the case but with no disc
inside. The download generation got this one so right, kids these day know that
police never take CD theft seriously.
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| Lara Croft: Tomb Raider..... Not 'Fridge Raider' - buy your own milkshake!!! |
3.) The Trumpeteer: Farting not only
remains a perfectly legal practice in this country but scientifically speaking
essential for your health. It’s a tradition our ancestors have enjoyed going
back to the Celtic tribes and beyond. Trumping is not always something you have
to apologise for. It doesn’t mean you need to go to the toilet or shamefully
stand in a cold dark hallway every time you need to pop one out. If I have to
sit through another episode of Downton Abbey without sniggering at the old
fashioned phrases and innuendo I may need to fart. It’s a basic human right!!!
4.) It’s Getting Hot in Here! The Arctic Shelf remains one of the coldest environments in the known world, a place where
(if you believe greetings cards) even Polar bears wear hats and scarves. The
coldest places I personally have ever visited are the flats of some of the
girls I have dated. Please don’t get me wrong, we all know what it’s like to
live the wrong side of pay day! In my home however the invited girlfriend
thinks it’s perfectly ok to mess with my temperature controls. Pretty soon I’ll
be wearing shorts in the middle of winter, laying on the cool floor tiles in
the kitchen as I slowly melt into the ground. My response ‘No I don’t want a
cuddle and if the next word that comes out your mouth isn’t Mojito – You Are
Fired!’
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| Romancing The Stone: A film about a man who rescues a woman from certain death, leads her across a dangerous South American jungle and all he gets is criticised |
5.)The Nightmare Best Friend: Every smart,
attractive, funny girlfriend has within her circle of smart, attractive and
funny girl pals, one woman who is absolutely insane. The ‘Nightmare Best Friend’
honesty believes the world is against them. That every throw away comment or
run of bad luck is a personal attack. She will constantly phone your girlfriend
or turn up on the doorstep in floods of angry tears. This gross disruption to
your ‘date time’ will no doubt occur at the worst possible moment!
6.) The Nightmare Best Friends’ Idiot
Boyfriend: Murphy’s Law tells us that every ‘Nightmare Best Friend’ has what I
politely call the ‘Idiot Boyfriend.’ This guy can be a complete A-Hole
sometimes. They are constantly locked in a on & off relationship and argue
every time you see them together in the most horrific and embarrassing ways. At
first this dynamic proves advantageous, your girlfriend thinks this guy is rude
and selfish; in comparison you are an Amazing boyfriend! To use a Batman
analogy the Idiot Boyfriend plays the role of ‘Harvey Two Face’ while in you are seen as ‘Gotham’s White Knight.’ But after a while the cracks will
appear as you cannot hide the way their constant drama grates on you.
Inevitably you grab the Nightmare Best Friend by the shoulders and say ‘If I
have to listen to any more of your Crap I’m gonna put you and your Idiot
Boyfriend in a barrel and dump you in the god damn ocean.’
Batman analogy: The Dark Knight rises…
7.) The Nightmare Haircut: Unfortunately
we have all been victim of the Nightmare Haircut. For guys shaving your head with clippers and starting again isn’t so bad. It’s harder of
coarse for girls who don’t particularly warm to the prospect of the ‘Ripley
from Alien 3 look.’ The inappropriate haircut can put a strain on any
relationship as men are inexplicably rubbish at lying to women. What proves to
be even harder to deal with is the ‘Nightmare Dress & Make-Up moment’ when
your girlfriend walks down the stairs looking like a Goth after an Aeroplane Crash.
Please remember comments like ‘I thought we were just going to the cinema’ are
designed to protect people’s feelings J
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| Darryl Hannah & Harrison Ford in 'Bladerunner' |
8.) ‘What are you even on about’?... Remember those first few dates, going for a pizza, the pub or maybe an Ice
cream and a walk along the beach? These will be the most exciting and
inexpensive adventures you will ever have. Pretty soon you will be sitting at a
Chinese restaurant, digging in to sweet & sour when your girlfriend says – ‘I
love Chinese food! Let’s go to China this year.’ Without pause for breath she
steers the conversation towards Cuba, Croatia and maybe somewhere else warm for
her birthday. Suddenly all her wildest dreams must be made real in the next six
months. Your response… ‘Yeah let’s do all of it - I’m so glad we’ve got that
money tree in the back garden, plus I don’t like going down the pub with my
mates anyway… Had you thought about how we’ll travel? On the back of a Unicorn
or errrr… Hogwarts Express????’
‘Love is not
Blind it sees more not less
Because it
is able to see more
It is
willing to see less…’
Rabbi J.Gordon
Happy
Valentine’s Day!! Remember if you are looking for excitement and fun, to feel
your heart beating uncontrollably through your chest and those moments of perceiving
the world in a brand new way. Then dating could just be the answer for you…. or
Bungee jumping…. All I am saying is make sure you are aware of the dangers to
your health first
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