IN PURSUIT OF FAST MOVING ZOMBIES

In every lifetime there comes to each of us an amazing moment…. when you are sitting at a Pub Quiz and the host reads out the name of a round that was just meant for you. It doesn't matter if your idea of a good time is a Disney adventure, a Star Wars campaign or even a Star Trek. You may be able to quote the words before every Julia Roberts' smile or after the hilariously bloody death of every Tarantino movie villain.  Each person has their moment; some will grab the pen eagerly and sometimes the responsibility of writing the answers may be thrust upon them. If you can master your own excitement, frustrations, confusion and even the dreaded 'memory block' it may just be your chance to shine!

This week my favourite pub quiz ‘The Geekest Link’ invited Brighton’s elite Sci Fi, Fantasy & Horror fans to a Halloween special event. Hosts Stuart & Ed were to serve up a feast of questions about the worst kinds of evil, including a round that made my head swell with excitement – ‘Fast Moving Zombies!’ The announcement of this title last month presented a puzzle of sorts. How fast could the undead really be? That question would see me visit the playground of science, explore the true nature of the beast and venture into the very depths of the quiz hosts’ mind.

This isn’t an article about a few awesome Zombie movies. It’s the telling of a series of totally bizarre events over the past few years that lead me to understand how fast a corpse can actually run?

This is how I learned the secrets of surviving a Zombie Apocalypse and the people I had to sacrifice along the way….

FAST ZOMBIE vs SLOW ZOMBIE

My interest in the genre probably began playing Resident Evil games on the Playstation as a kid. Coupled with my love of actress Milla Jovovitch and watching her kick the crap out of the undead in the Resident Evil movies.  But it was Danny Boyles‘28 Days Later’ that completely got me hooked. The film's true brilliance is the juxtaposition of slow, fearful scenes followed with moments of panic and frenzy. A good horror movie is one that can draw you in and fully immerse you in its messed up world! Its worth remembering it rains a lot in Britain, our cinematographers are adept in finding interesting ways of filming unexciting landscapes and untidy cities on grey days. For best atmosphere, surely horror films about dead people rising are better off with us Brits!

But if the glorified, goriness of zombies being gunned down is more your style, well you must be a fan of the very American TV series ‘The Walking Dead’. Right from seeing the iconic poster of a Sheriff entering a desolated city on horseback and the second episode, when Rick and Glenn cover themselves in guts for a slow walk through a pack of Zombos, the series has been engrossing and entertaining. Not every episode is perfect but the show is best when the feel of the story is in keeping with its Comic book roots. If nothing else ‘The Walking Dead’ reminds us that the best weapon against a Biter is defiantly a Samurai sword. Amateurs fire guns and this attracts herds of Walkers every time. As for the characters who wander around with small hammers and bread knives… well I don’t get too attached to those idiots!

So why are some Biters fast and others slow? The answer begins with a scientific talk on Zombies I attended in Brighton, with my pal Andy in 2012. Dr Austin (a big name in ZomBiology) shared with us the golden rules of combating a undead  plague from washing your hands regularly to building a Cross Bow from an old Tennis racket, darts and some elastic. A young lady from the audience was tasked in testing the cross bow and when asked if the time came she would shoot her infected boyfriend (also sitting in the audience) she said ‘Yes, of coarse I would.’ The answer gained her a round of applause and a pack of Haribo sweets. Funny – Yes! But certainly a way of thinking we may all need to adopt for the 'Worse Case Scenario.'

There are many theories as to what could cause an infection to spread: A Toxin, a Parasite or even a Rogue Pyron (a mutated protein) as in the film Zombieland, when 'Patient Zero' eats a burger contaminated with a new strain of Mad Cows Disease.
Dr Austin explained that of all of these the most universally accepted explanation for such a violent transformation is a Virus: a contagent that hijacks each human cell, rewrites it'a inner machinery and produces copies of itself. When it grows full the viruses hatch out killing the host cell.

In the Walking Dead, the infection attacks by killing the brain cells; adrenal glands break apart and as a result the hosts' organs fail….Yuck! Later the brain stem reanimates but the person’s personality is lost. They are left with the overwhelming desire to feed but their mobility skills are completely rubbish – a slow Zombie. In 28 Days Later & sequel 28 Weeks later the ‘Rage Virus’ stimulates pure aggression. The infected become crazed and sprints towards their victims, never pausing or assessing their prey, never resting to save their strength like any other predator would.

If you sleep soundly at night content in your mind that Zombie-ism is a work of fiction, why not take a moon lit stroll through
B-Town on a Friday night when pubs and clubs are throwing patrons out.  You may find a scene not so dissimilar to a Zombie Appoclayse.  People staggering around, talking incoherently and even the occasional mob fight. In this case the contagent is alcohol or at least people who cant take their drink. But then consider the human condition, even sober we argue for the most stupid reasons. Pride, indifference, people fight because they choose to not like someone or force their own beliefs on others. Reasons far from the survival or territorial instincts of other animals. Humans remain the most illogical and dangerous creatures on the planet.

ZOMBIES ON THE BEACH

One of my favourite Undead Moments was watching the late night showing of Zombieland with pals (when they had the Big Screen on Brighton beach last summer.) We arrived to find the big screen had been fenced off and surrounded by stands. The unexpected £10 entrance fee was of coarse better spent on Cider and Chips so we decided not to go inside. Instead we set our picnic blanket down in an unpatrolled corner of the complex, where most of the screen was visible through a gap in the fence. Suddenly a gang of Zombies, employed to promote the event set upon us. Although some of the gang seemed a little freaked I selfishly thought the best coarse of action would be to ignore the Zombos and keep watching the film. I was dead wrong! Hungry for attention the Zombie Bride was soon eye balling me, hissing and moaning. Luckily she must have already eaten, as she was completely disinterested in either my brains or my bag of chips. I guess you can forgive any girl for wanting to be the centre of attention on her big day, 

If you want to know some basic but effective survival techniques Zombieland is a good place to start. In the film Jessie Eisenberg’s character Columbus explains the merits of rules such as - 'When in doubt, know your way out' or 'Always check the back seat.' How many horror heroes have ignored these bright ideas? The characters in the film reminds us, the Coolest and most useful people we meet in life are usually the ones who don't always see it or brag about themselves. Whether you're putting together an Undead-Death Squad or a Pub Quiz team, these are the kinda folks you want for company as you will rarely argue with them.  Rule No.1 of  Zombieland is ‘Cardio’ being fit enough to out out run your undead assailant.  So last year a bunch of us went on a Zombie Evacuation  run to see if we had the mettle.

THE ZOMBIE EVACUATION RUN 

Imagine if you will, a 5km cross country run through muddy fields and hilly woodlands, chased by Zombies, intent on ripping brightly coloured tags from your belt. Once all three tags are gone you are deemed to be infected and hypothetically shot by the army. I know it sounds like hell.... or good fun!

We arrived at the start line surrounded by Army officials (stewards) and took a few photos by a Tank. The route lead down into the valley and through the woods that ranged up and down a hilly slope. For the Zombie evacuation run the words ‘safety in numbers’ have never been so apt. My advice would be to position and yourself with slower people in front and behind so that you can pass by unscathed while the undead enjoy an unsavoury alternative to brunch. Being aware of your environment and the route ahead is essential so you know when to use and conserve energy. My friends and I faced harsh obstacles like running through the blood soaked tents of a Zombie infested field hospital. A bridge covered with coffins where the recently departed sprung out like a jack-in-a-box. Also it had rained all night, the muddy ground meant helping each other up steep banks and most importantly making sure that when the time came to sprint that you are not standing in mud or poo.

There are 3 categories to Zombies so learn them and remember how to overcome your enemy.

The ‘Crazy’: Barely a few hundred metres into the woods we came across our first newly risen foe. There’s no easy way of saying this... the guy had literally ripped his own face off. The 'Crazy' is the worst Zombie: fast, angry but very easy to spot from a distance because he/she moves so erratically. Give this one a wide birth. You can try leading him in one direction then double back and dodge, they don’t see too good through all the blood and rage. But simply the best way past one of these guys is just wait till the Crazy catches a slow runner and let them enjoy their 'Human Happy Meal.'

The Walker: Slow moving and with very little awareness of what’s going on. Sometimes you may find one stuck in a ditch, caught on a fence or behind a barred gate. But be warned, they often have a longer reach then you think and they tend to attack in groups.

The Twitcher: A very dangerous Zombie because at first you may think it is dormant, just another Walker. The Twitcher will drift in and out of its undead dream world and if it senses you or unexpectedly remembers something from its old life that really pissed it off; well they're gonna come straight for you. If you hear a scream it’s a twitcher. If you see it twitch it’s a twicher. These guys can be fast – be ready to run. 



Now I never understood why girls seem so fascinated with Vampires, whether that's being bitten by the floppy hair guy in Twilight or the sexy cemetery shenanigans  in an episode of True Blood. I am sorry but these guys are dead – its just weird! Well that was till the run when I came face to face with a foxy looking Zombie Nurse. In that split second where I had the choice of running or being bitten I am not ashamed to say I felt complicated inside. This dead girl was hot - though not literally. But there wasn’t just myself to think about, the Zombie run itself was a second date with a girl I met at the bakery near work. Pretending to be a hero for someone who was still alive seemed more appropriate. So just like playing kiss chase on the Primary school playground as a kid, I decided to run away…. Just not very fast.

In all the panic my team got split up and when we came to the final up hill dash to the finish line, the on coming hordes proved too much. Most of us became infected just yards from the safe zone. But the experience of the Zombie Evacuation Run proved to be fun and educational,  I would certainly recommend it if you are so inclined.  

http://zombieevacuation.com/

https://twitter.com/geekestlink

ZOMBIE HOMEWORK

Getting ready for the Geekest Link I began watching and re-watching ALOT of Zombie movies! Trying to hunt down as many Fast Zombies as possible in order to ace the quiz. The recently released 'World War Z'  a big money production that created big profits and a prolific scene where thousands of  Infected CGI monsters take the walls of Jerusalem like a colony of ants. The hilariously funny 'Planet Terror' which nearly made me fall off the sofa, rather then hide behind it. Also a Rom-Com 'Warm Bodies' which tells the story of 'R' a Zombie whose heart starts pumping again when he falls for the very much alive Julie. Love or hate this film, it has a great soundtrack and the same understated charm that director Jonathan Levine bought to '50/50.' Audiences want to see something they haven't seen before and hopefully we will see more interesting reinventions for the classic Zombie flick.

      

My favourite Zombie move? A curve ball for you - 'Shaun of The Dead'. It's not just one of the best scripted British comedies knocking around but a film I have watched time and time again with my family. Grandparents and grandchildren alike, we love watching it together (though I always feel overwhelmingly embarrassed when Nick Frost drops the C word with my Mum and the kids sitting round.) Fans may still argue over whether dogs can look up but any self respecting Quizzer will tell you the name of the pub in the film is 'The Winchester' after the rifle hanging over the bar.

So if you're wondering about the result of the Geekest Link, well luckily our team won by 3 points. Turns out I am definitely a big fan of a Zombie story with a happy ending!

RIP Folks!

'you got Red on you'